Drunken Josh develops the theory of cat
by I'mnotanecropheliac
Summary: This has been done about a bilion times but hey it's for Lara. Read this now!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own them not. These creations of fiction and only by my imagination expanded by the use of good pie…. And hot chocolate.

Author's Note: This is for you Lara…. All for you….

Josh was stumbling and slurring what few words he could actually manage.

"Donna where am I?" the question lingered for a moment. She gave him a look which clearly meant he should know. She rolled her eyes and tired to help him to the couch.

"You're in my apartment," she answered.

"Yes!" he muttered. "Whose got the condoms?"

"Josh!" Donna shouted in disbelief.

"Right no," he slurred laying back on the couch. "Too far."

He liked Donna's couch. Sure it was old, and broken, and probably owned by a college student before she even looked at it, but for some bizarre reason it felt comfortable. Maybe it was because he only ever really slept on it when he was drunk, and anything felt comfortable then, but still he liked it.

"Am I drunk?" he asked closing his eyes.

Donna began to answer him.

Suddenly Josh felt something leap onto the arm rest of the chair. Something was by his head. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Holy Crap!" he shouted and jumped three feet into the air.

A cat had been staring eye to eye with Josh.

"That cat always sneaks up on me!" he said pointing at the cat.

"For gods sake leave the cat alone," Donna told him.

Josh was eying the cat frantically. "He does it on purpose Donna. He knows that I'm afraid of him. He does. He does these things to freak me out. Every time I close my eyes or I'm not watching my back BAM!" he said throwing his hands in the air as if demonstrated the cats agile movement. "He's always there."

"It's a cat," Donna responded plainly.

"He's a freaky genius cat," Josh slurred. "He can open door knobs."

Donna just gave Josh a slanted look. "It's a cat."

"You keep saying that like it is going to change the fact that he likes to scare the crap out of me."

Donna didn't change the look on her face.

"Every time," Josh continued trying to justify his point, "I stay here you put the cat in your roommates room. Then in the middle of the night he finds me. He attacks me."

"He's a cat Josh," she mumbled. "Just leave him alone."

"I want to!" Josh shouted.

The cat, who had been looking at Josh through this entire act started to move towards him.

"What the hell is he doing!"

"Will you calm down!" Donna said as she went to the laundry closet to get Josh some sheets.

Josh looked at the cat, trying to avoid his piercing stare. "He's smirking at me1"

"He's a cat!" Donna shouted.

The cat pressed up against Josh's leg. Josh tried to jump away. "Joshhh…" the cat hissed.

"He just hissed my name!"

Donna walked back into the room and threw some sheets at him. "If you insist on sleeping on my couch," she shouted. "Will you please leave the cat alone!"

Josh didn't move. Caught between his fear of cats and his fear of angry Donna, he wasn't sure which was more risky.

"He hissed my name!" he shouted after a brief pause. Donna was definitely less scary than cats.

Donna came over and picked up the cat. "I'll lock the door."

She started to walk out of the room, cuddling the kitty.

"It won't work," Josh muttered to himself. "Damn cat will just run into the door until it comes open."

Donna wandered back into the room. "He only bothers you because he likes you."

"He's a cat."

Donna gave him a sarcastic look.

"He's evil Donna," Josh mumbled. "Steal your soul if he wanted."

Donna just walked by and patted him on the head. "Steal your soul," she muttered to herself. "Cat's can't do that." She left him and started walking towards her bedroom. "Just rabbits."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Authors Note: Yes Lara. We will call this collaboration. Enjoy.

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Josh had just fallen asleep. He was groggy, drunk, and extremely fatigued. Before he fell asleep though images of Donna's cat haunted him. He was sure he was going to have nightmares.

He woke up to a constant banging sound.

"Shit!" he mumbled and sat up. "The cat's going to get out."

He looked around the room for something to protect himself with. He grabbed the closest lamp and waited for the cat to emerge from down the hall.

"You'll never get me!" he shouted.

Suddenly the banging stopped. He heard a door creak open.

"You can over power the cat Josh," he told himself. "He can't kill you. It's a cat. Just stay calm!"

After about ten minutes of sitting in a panicked manner Josh fell asleep.

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Josh's eyes popped open. "Ahhh…" he screeched, in an oddly high pitch tone.

The cat was glaring at him, scratching the coffee table. When Josh meet his eyes the cat seemed to smile.

"What the hell…"

The cat ran away quickly.

Josh sat up, wondering what it felt like to loose your soul to one of Satan's beasts. After a few minutes he feel asleep again.

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Josh woke up again and immediately threw a pillow at him. The cat dodged the pillow and grinned. Josh got up ready to beat the cat to a pulp. The cat quickly ran away.

"Stupid cat," Josh mumbled as he went back to the couch.

He feel asleep almost instantly. He woke up when he felt a heavy weight between his legs.

"What the hell… holy crap," Josh was ready to jump off the couch at that instant, but the cat had pinned him down.

The cat had it's paws pounding on his chest. Josh stayed perfectly still trying to keep his eyes close, knowing that at any moment the cat might try to reach inside him and remove his lungs.

The cat patted Josh on the head.

_Just play dead,_ Josh told himself._ Stay still. He might try to eat you alive. Don't move!_

The cat was bored after a few minutes. He jumped onto the coffee table.

CRASH

Josh shot up.

"What the hell are you doing!" Donna said as she entered the living room.

She stood still when she saw the scene before her. Cushions were all over the room. Her favorite lamp had been pulled out of the wall and was sitting on Josh's chest. And last and definitely not least shocking the coffee table had clasped.

"Josh!"

"What!" Josh mumbled. "It was the cat!"

He looked around quick to discover that there was no cat in the room.

"Seriously Josh," she said, looking prepared to hit him.

"Hey you could have made it easier," Josh told her.

She just glared at him. She had her hands on her hips.

"I bring you into my house," she screamed. "And you wreck it."

"It wasn't me," Josh pleaded.

"Will you please just cut it out you have a meeting in the morning," she told him.

He looked at her pleadingly. "Can't I just sleep in your bed?"

"I'm not sleeping on the couch!' she yelled.

"That's not what I meant," Josh told her truthfully.

She snorted and turned back to her room.

Josh grasped the lamp harder. _Where did that damn cat go! Satan's Beast!_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: don't own 'em.

Author's Note: Okay Lara there really is no cat in here physically. Just really funny Josh. And I know you like funny Josh. Plus in the next chapter… welll…. Let's just say the cat evolves from your cat to… a much much eviler cat.

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Josh had been asleep for about half an hour. Suddenly he heard a crash come from across the room.

"Josh what are you…!" Donna came storming into the room.

"Shhh…" Josh said holding up the lamp, forgetting it was there.

Donna looked around the room, then back at Josh.

"Josh I…"

He waved for her to stop.

She edged her way over to the couch. Josh was now on his hind legs ready for an attack.

"What's going on?" Donna whispered.

Josh shook his head. Then he mouthed the word… CAT.

Donna rolled her eyes. Suddenly there came another crash.

"What the hell!" she said.

Josh bounced on her. "Keep your voice down women," he whispered. "We don't want him to know we're here."

Donna looked at him. "Will you get off me!" Josh removed his hands from her arms. "Josh it's a cat."

"Evil homicidal cat," he whispered. He scanned the room quickly. "Donna we have to have an attack strategy."

"Josh!"

"Shhhh…"

"It's just a cat," she whispered a little lower.

"You don't know the cat like I do Donna," he told her. "I have scars from that cat."

She looked at him head tilted.

"Fine I don't have scars," he responded. "But I've decided, tonight I am going to kill that cat."

"Josh!" Donna nearly screamed.

"I mean it Donna where do you keep the arsenic?"

She stared at him for a moment. If he weren't so drunk she wouldn't have been worried. Drunk Josh might however kill her roommates cat.

"get into my bed," she sighed.

He shook his head. "Can't have sex with the cat in the apartment."

She hit him in the arm. "There will be no sex. There will be no touching. Just get in my bed and get to sleep."

Josh stared at her for a moment. Donna was extremely scary. He thought very hard then about his mission to kill the cat. Donna's bed? Kill the cat?

"Okay Donna," Josh said getting up slowly keeping his eyes on the corner where he had seen the cat. "Where do you keep the guns?"

"Josh," she sighed.

"Right we're Democrats," he said as though it were now a bad thing. "Damnit no guns!"

"Arghh," she growled. "Will you please stop? He's a cat Josh."

She got up then and went back to her room.

"If you complain at all tomorrow," she mumbled as she walked past him.

Josh scanned the room. "Damn cat!" he mumbled to himself. "Would have been the best sex of my life."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own not.

Author's Note: Enjoy Lara. Not as much cat as I had hoped. But enjoy.

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Josh tried desperately to stay awake, but as he was filled with alcohol and was extremely tired he feel asleep quickly. The lamp suddenly feel the ground and four feet began to scurry towards him.

The cat looked at Josh carefully. He jumped cautiously onto the couch and onto Josh's chest. Grinning, perhaps he was grinning, he set forth his plot.

Josh woke up when he felt some kind of wetness covering his chest. He screamed like a girl and rose quickly when he saw the cat.

"You bastard!" he screamed.

The cat dug it's nails into Josh and hissed, not letting go.

Josh let out a scream and gripped the cat. He ripped the thing from his chest and threw it as far as he could manage. It wasn't very far.

Before he knew it the cat had an arched back and was getting ready to attack. Josh turned on his feet and began to run down the hall. The cat came racing after him.

"Help Donna!" Josh screamed hoping she would have her door open so the cat wouldn't be able to follow him in.

"Josh what the hell…" Donna said as she opened her door.

"Thank God," Josh sighed. He bolted quickly through the door and threw it shut.

"Josh what happened?" she said looking at him.

"That crazy cat Peed on me!" Josh whined like a school girl. "He actually PEED on me."

Donna tried to stifle her laughter, which wasn't very hard considering how angry she was. "Josh I…"

"It's too late for apologies," Josh muttered. He looked at his shirt. "Do you have any idea how insulting this is!"

She looked over at her bed. "It's late…" she suddenly mentioned. She was too tired to really care that Josh had been somewhat right. She just wanted to sleep. Her warm bed was calling. "We should… oh just get into bed."

Josh grinned and raised his eyebrows.

"No Josh there will be none of that," she insisted. "We are going to be sleeping. Just sleeping."

Josh nodded his agreement and tried his best to hide his disapproval. Donna stepped on passed him and went back to her bed. Josh followed her quickly.

"Take of your clothes," Donna said as if she had suddenly remembered.

The grin returned to Josh's face.

"They're covered in cat pee," she yelled.

Josh let the smile fade as he stripped down to his boxers. Donna stood there in her house coat and took his clothes to hang.

"Now will you please go to sleep," she yelled from her bathroom, as if the whole thing had been his fault.

Josh snorted and got under the covers.

Donna returned. She jumped into bed with her housecoat on.

"Umm Donna?" Josh began.

"I'm cold," she responded bluntly as if she knew what he were going to say.

Josh shrugged and turned over, her sheets were extra warm, and not having to think about the cat made sleeping seem easier. Suddenly Josh heard a banging sound coming to the door. He shot up.

Donna stared at him.

"You wouldn't happen to have a door stop?"

Donna sighed violently. She got up from bed and got a shoe from her closet. She stuck it under the door. "Better?" she asked not really caring if he thought it was or not.

She returned to bed and got under the covers. "Go to sleep Josh!" It wasn't so much a suggestion as a command.

Josh settled back down and thought of dreaming. "I knew you could do it," he thought to himself. "Just a little bit of ingenuity, a lamp, and some cat pee and you made it into Donna's bed."


End file.
